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Pooltimez

Dear The Owner of Coffee Bean, I am sitting in your West Hollywood location and it is ridiculously hot in here. And you wanna know what I think of when I’m hot, sweaty, and miserable? Pools! You know what else is hot? Global warming! Thus, I was excited to find this project done by a banking corporation to raise awareness about global warming. They printed large images of New York and applied them to the bottom of a pool, indicating that if we don’t do something to stop global warming we are all going to have to live underwater  (just…

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Shhhh! ‘Secrets’ is Airing Soon!

Dear Emily, My new favorite thing is shushing people. Mainly because I think it’s so rude that it becomes ridiculous and thus hilarious. Like who thinks it’s ever appropriate to shush another person? Weirdos. Anyway, I’ll be doing some legitimate shushing on February 26th at 9 PM when “Secrets From A Stylist” airs on HGTV. It’s weird to work on a TV show like this because it’s so intense, involved, and client-based that sometimes it’s easy to forget we are actually making a television show that people will watch (please?). I’m sure you’re all imagining that Emily shows up and…

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Gladvertising: Sweet N Low!

Dear New York Creative Agency Mother, The new ads you made for Sweet N Low are totally rad. I was driving up Western Avenue a few days ago and noticed your work in a bus shelter. I was immediately struck by how fun, inventive, and adorable they were. I’m not particularly a fan of Sweet N Low, but I love the fact that this pretty artwork is being displayed all over the place because of their product. Everyone wins! Love, Orlando

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Hot Couture: Aprontimez!

Dear Dsquared² Twins, In college, I had to wear an apron in painting class in order to protect my obnoxiously overpriced clothing (this was before I graduated and became a hobo). Thus, I cannot tell you how absolutely pleased I was to see that your new collection includes tons of aprons layered into totally crazy outfits (sidenote: what’s going on with layers? It seems like every collection is all about 45 layers for each look. That’s fine in cold places but in LA we can only stand to put on two layers max, and that’s on a cold day). The…

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Five Haute Things: Headphones!

Dear Music Loverz, You know what’s cooler than being an actual cool person? Looking like one because you are wearing totally fun headphones! I have always had a thing for humans who wear unnecessarily large headphones, especially ones in kookie colors. I don’t really understand how people wear these bulky headphones while working out (I mean, they’re pretty much earmuffs, don’t they get hot?). The following are the five headphones I’d buy if I was forced to run out and get some right now. Enjoy! Banjo by WeSC I like how basic and streamlined these are. I’d definitely wear these…

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The ‘No Ingredient’ Diet

Dear Weight-loss Enthusiasts and/or Control Freaks, People often ask me “Orlando! How do you stay so thin while working such long hours?” Actually, no one has ever asked me that, but I fantasize about it every day. In fact, if you see in the street will you please ask me that? My self-esteem depends on it. But for realz, I’ve learned the hard way that working on film and TV sets is probably the worst thing you can do if you’re trying to avoid turning into Ursula The Sea Witch from “The Little Mermaid.” The hours are long leaving little…

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Whut Glamour: Michelle Obama

Dear Michelle Obama, I forgot how totally cute you were until I just saw this picture in the NYT. I love your dress and the fact that you are standing in front of giant fruit. You are awesome. Love, Orlando PS: Here is a link to the article.

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If You Like It Then You Should Have Put A Bird On It

Dear Whitney Jefferson, Fred Armisen, and Carrie Brownstein, I love your hilarious video docu-drama about the proliferation of birds on EVERYTHING. I thought that trend was dying until I went to CB2 last night and was confronted by bird, after bird, after bird, after bird. I actually like the bird trend, but sometimes too much of a good thing = a bad thing. Sadtimez. Love, Orlando [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XM3vWJmpfo]

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Typoglamour: 1550

Dear Whoever Designed the Building at 1550 North Laurel, I have a thing for pretty text and/or numbers on buildings. Thus, I love your monolithic, minimalist apartment building down the street from my current abode. Oversized 1950s typefaces really hit the spot and are so appropriate on a building of that style. Gorgeous. Love, Orlando

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Whut Glamour: Used Books!

Dear Diary, I epiphanied last night that I have a fetish for first editions used books, ordered from Powell’s in Portland. This obsession began lightly a few years ago and was cemented last year when I received a first edition of my favorite novel of all time, Gore Vidal’s The City and the Pillar. What’s so important about the first edition of City is that Vidal rewrote the 1948 novel in the 60s and completely changed the ending. In my opinion the original version is much more authentic and a lot less clever and calculated than the rewritten version. Two…

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Homme Movies: True Grit

Dear True Grit, You are a good movie. I enjoyed watching you. The other evening, my beautiful friend ActorWriter Brian asked me if I wanted to see you, and I was like “Not really.” But I changed my mind (out of sheer desperation to see a movie) and we went with our pretty friend NotQuiteSureWhatHeDoes Jonny, who left halfway through the film because he got, like, totally bored. The plot of the film is as follows (spoiler alert: I give away the ending!): 1. Someone kills Hailee Steinfeld’s dad. 2. She enlists the help of Cartoon-Texan Matt Damon and Gurgle-Voice…

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Homme Sweet Homme: Trovata

Dear Model, I like your hooded jacket by Trovata. And your face. You look like you’re made of wax. Love, Orlando

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Whut Glamour: Fashion Sketches

Dear Richard Haines, I absolutely love the beautiful sketches you made that are featured in the NYT’s Paris/Milan Fashion Week coverage. The drawings give a sense of the fashion, but are also tremendously appealing and sensitively rendered. They are truly works in their own right. I’ve always liked fashion sketches, but I kind of want to be converted into a cartoon-fashion-sketch so I can enter into the wonderful cast of characters you’ve created in your drawings. Lovely. Love, Orlando PS: View the complete slideshow of sketches here.

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Five Haute Things for the Homme: Accent Lamps

Dear Diary, In about a month, I’ll be moving into a (yet to be found) apartment and the one thing I’m most concerned with is light. I like my apartment to be super bright at all times. Having too many lights on makes me feel cozy and protected. And like I’m slowly killing the earth (sorrlz). For the sake of the environment, I use compact fluorescents whenever possible (Ikea has great ones, by the way. They have a warm tone unlike most of the depressing, pore-accentuating bluetone ones on the market). I like lamps that have something to say. Something…

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Marthatimez: Beer Chicken!

Dear Foodlez (like a Foodie, but a Food-Poodle instead because I don’t like the word “Foodie”), Did you know you can stick a can of beer inside a chicken and then bake it? I thought it was common knowledge but I found out recently that some people hadn’t heard of it so I thought I’d bring it to your attention. Apparently roasting a chicken with a beer inserted in it makes for a tender, tangy meal. I’ve never actually done this before, but my handsome friend Matthew Lanphier did the other night and I must say it was totally delicious….

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Typoglamour: The Yosemite School

Dear The Yosemite School, I went to you for 9 years, but I never noticed how totally glamourous your signage is. I believe this sign was installed in the 1950s when the school turned from a log cabin into a bigger, more modern building. I had many funtimes at The Yosemite School. Probably because of the sophisticated typeface on the school’s sign. Love, Orlando Dumond Soria, 8th Grade Diploma – 1996

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Whut Glamour: Neo80z Crop Shirts

Dear Gay Calvin Klein, The current 90 degree weather in Los Angeles has me thinking about spring fashion so I decided to go online and check out what have you in store for the next few months. The most exciting and ridiculous part of your collection is the 80s inspired cropped off shirts. Since my childhood, I have had a secret obsession with crop tops. When I was little, they were all the rage. The fact that they’ve just been revived is the most exciting thing that has ever happened in my whole entire life. They’re not quite as casual/sporty…

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Too Cool For Azul

Dear Frida Kahlo, This week Emily and I were discussing blue and I naturally thought of your amazing homestead, La Casa Azul. La Casa Azul is the house you were raised in that is now a museum dedicated to your life and your hilarious and lighthearted paintings. Thinking about your blue casa made me start thinking about other blue casas, so then I went on the interwebs and LOOK what I found!: La Casa Azul (Frida Kahlo Museum): Other gorgeous blue houses: I like the bright color of this one: I’m pretty sure the makeup artist from Blue Man Group…

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Gladvertising: Levi’s

Dear Levi’s, I have been raving about you to everyone on set because it has recently come to my attention that your combination of good product and amazing lifestyle branding have completely won me over. While I was living in New York last year, I went to the movies and your “Go Forth” advertisement featuring a Walt Whitman poem was played before the previews began. That ad (below) is probably the most beautiful ad I’ve ever watched. It’s sexy, raw, and showcases perfectly the glamour and adventure of the West. It made me miss California. The images of crazy kids…

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Whut Glamour: Colour Stripes!

Dear Installation Artist Jim Lambie, I have always loved your graphic stripe installations and have had them on my mind recently. On Secrets, we’re doing a few family rooms and are looking for exciting ways to incorporate colour, so naturally I thought of your wonderful striped floors. I highly doubt we would ever get to do something like this in one of our makeover houses (it might be a little too crazeballz for most peoples’ taste) but someday when I buy my own house (read: in like 20 years when the market has completely collapsed and I’ve saved up enough…

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Hair Do?

Dear The Boy in This Picture, I think you hair is awesome, but I highly doubt I could get away with it. Oh well. Love, Orlando PS: I found this image on my favorite website in the whole world, Hedi Slimane Diary. I will be posting more from Hedi in the future.

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Hot Couture: Belmain

Dear Balmain, I love your glamorous new fall collection for hommes. Too bad I’ll never be wealthy enough to afford it and it’s highly unlikely that it will ever show up at Ross where I, like, actually shop. Love, Orlando PS: View a slideshow of your delightful collection here.

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