Nate Berkus and Jeremiah Brent’s Ugly House

Dear Gays,

Have you seen the Harper’s Bazaar spread of Nate Berkus and Jeremiah Brent’s Totally Ugly Hollywood Hills House? I have. And when I say “Totally Ugly,” I mean, totally glamorous and enviable and like the exact house I want to live in right now. Which makes me want to die.

Are you ever just, like, minding your own business, thinking life is totally fine, when all the sudden you see something that makes you feel like a homeless troll that lives in a cardboard box under a bridge? Well, that’s exactly how I felt when I saw Jeremiah and Nate’s house. Is it really necessary that they be so attractive and rich and that their house be so perfect? How are the rest of us supposed to continue to live in our, like, totally average worlds? I hate everything.

Here they are in their glamourous office. Which overlooks a glamourous pool. That I want to drown myself in after staring at their perfectly coiffed hair and impeccable suits.



I’m digging how they incorporated black into their home. Like the black ceiling with the gold Tom Dixon pendant. I’d like to canoodle both of those. And then I’d like to canoodle Jeremiah and Nate. When I hide in their bed. To scare them. And because I secretly want to crawl inside their skin and live their lives. Mainly so that I can high-five with Oprah.


I love how dark and sexy the bedroom is. And the high gloss black ceiling is to die for. And that vintage woven chair.


I also like how bright and airy their living room is. The weird architectural detail and the mysterious fireplace with no chimney don’t do anything to taint it’s perfection.


Just think of all the glamorous A-list parties that are going to happen here (Sidenote, Jeremiah and Nate, can I come?). Some day soon Oprah will be taking a dip in this pool, laughing alongside other daytime television hosts drinking champagne, laughing about how delightful life is and how humorous and entertaining poor people are.


And look at their cute little kitchen. I want that mint range! And my mom would love to add those goats to her goat figurine collection (she totally has one and it’s amazing).


And the kitchen wouldn’t be complete without two obnoxiously attractive men in it, cooking together and thinking about how much they enjoy love. Oh that I were that lime, so that Nate could stab me, put me in a meringue, toss me in the oven, and allow me to burn to a crisp, thus ending the agony that is not living in this awesome house.


I’m going to crawl back into my cardboard box now and dream about the future when I am as smooth and cherubic as Jeremiah or as rugged and blond mountainy as Nate. Someday…


PS: To make the Harper’s spread even more alienatingly attractive, it was shot by the hottest photographer that ever lived, Douglas Friedman. He looks like this:


Everything is so stupid. The End.

34 thoughts on “Nate Berkus and Jeremiah Brent’s Ugly House

  1. Does their bathroom not have a sink? Or a dishwasher? This bewilders me. Where do their drunk friends throw up in because they can’t get to the bathroom in time? Though they might actually make it because there isn’t a door on that bathroom. Which then begs the questions how do people pee when they are hosting a party?

  2. Wait… Nate Berkus is with that adorable Jeremiah who worked for Rachel Zoe?! I’m so behind.

  3. You listen to me, Orlando. That kitchen is claustrophobic and dark and your head would scrape the ceiling. Yes, they are gorgeous but they have no door on their bathroom and when Nate bends over at a very unflattering angle to clip his toenails over the bathtub, Jeremiah shivers with disgust. He knows that the next time he takes a bath, one of those slivers of toenails will float up to the top–right near his mouth–and still, Nate will insist that he cleaned all of them up. And Nate, oh how he despises those boots that Jeremiah insists on wearing! The ones that he slipped into the photo shoot at the last minute, the ones that he thinks make him look like a young Ernest Hemingway but really make him look like a homeless person, those repulsive boots that Nate had the dogs pee in just so Jeremiah would throw them away. But he hasn’t, and now they sit across from each other at the table of limes and goats, full of regret, each of them separately wondering what it would be like to live with Douglas Friedman.

  4. Aw, welcome back Orlando! Don’t let them get you down – their place isn’t THAT nice.

  5. Not sure about this one. The house seems a bit contrived to me. Overdone, but not in a ‘we regularly get Sotheby’s Old Masters catalogues’ sort of way. The black is good, but David Carter does it better. Juan Pablo Molyneux also does black exceptionally well.

  6. Oh Orlando,
    I’m so glad you can express your humor presently. I think that is wonderful, and shows a HUGE part of you still remains, even after you said a large part feels gone. Their house is nice, their hair perfectly managed, but none of that is as fabulous and funny as your lovely heart.

  7. orlando! you are JUST as hot and dreamy as those two 🙂

    just think there is and other hot gay boy somewhere in the world (third world country maybe, or east europe, or russia) dreaming of YOUR life of (i’m tottaly just going to imagine what your life is like may or may not be true) cool artsy parties with other cool hipster gay boys, drinking midori sours under palm trees at pool parties in hollywood, driving vintage convertible cars in flowered shorts with awsome sun tans…………. etc, etc.

    from my stand point your life looks super cool 😉

  8. Between this post and the last, you made me snort with laughter and wipe a tear. In the space of 10 minutes. Amazing.
    All the best, straight from South Africa.

  9. I know that exact feeling. I usually get it from House Beautiful or Martha Stewart. Just keep in mind that its not that hard to look perfect and glamorous in a photo with lights and makeup and photoshop. Its being awesome in actuality that counts!

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