Blog – Page 86 – Orlando Soria

Jan / 18 / 2011Oct / 12 / 2013

Homme Movies!

Dear Reader, You know, people often ask me, “How do you stay so current on the latest pictures at the cinema!?!” Well, I’ll tell you. I don’t actually watch them. A true Hommemaker doesn’t have time for anything aside from making perfect meals, wearing perfect clothes, and excelling at his perfect job. Thus, I watch Youtube trailers for films and pretend I saw them at the theatre. This gives me ample topics to discuss at dinner parties, art openings, and fundraisers for the most influential of America’s politicians. Because watching these previews and faking knowledge of film has proven useful…

Jan / 11 / 2011Oct / 12 / 2013

Fake Joan Didion Quote of the Week!

Dear Reader, Everyone knows that being a good Hommemaker means being a Joan Didion fan. I spent many a day crying my eyes out whilst reading Where I Was From and The Year of Magical Thinking (“Tragical Thinking” is more like it!). Anyone who I am facebook friends with knows that one of my favorite pastimes is making up fake Joan Didion quotes, mainly because she seems so proper and intellectual (like me!) and imagining her saying anything crazy or stupid is absolutely hilarious. Thus, my weekly column of fake Joan quotes. Here’s this week’s quote: “I can’t believe I…

Jan / 9 / 2011Mar / 6 / 2013

Five Haute Things For The Homme: Barware

Dear Andy Cohen, If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” it’s that the ultimate expression of one’s hosting abilities is throwing cocktail parties. I have no idea how all those broads are so skinny, because those ladies could drink any sailor under the table and even when they aren’t at cocktail parties (which is rare), they are drinking alone on some beautiful/tacky veranda overlooking the gorgeous California coastline. Since my career goals include being a Real Househusband of Venice Beach, I’ve been researching barware to use at my uberglamorous cocktail fetes. Here is what…

Jan / 7 / 2011Oct / 12 / 2013

What Do YOU Do?

Dear Diary, As purpose of this blog is to inform people about hommemaking, I decided it was important for me to explore one of the less obvious aspects of keeping a home which is one’s professional life. After all, one literally cannot keep a home unless they have a job to pay for it, unless they have bags and bags and bags of gold coins (like Sofia Coppola, for example). For the rest of us who have to toil and sweat and, like, actually work for a living, jobs can be a meaningful and important addition to our wonderful homelives….

Jan / 4 / 2011Aug / 21 / 2013

How To Throw A Dinner Party: A How-To for the Half-BrainDead!

Dear Diary, While I was spending the holidays in Yosemite National Park, the home of the tallest waterfall in North America, I had the honour of hosting a totally glamorous dinner party for my BFF Caitlin. Caitlin has been a very, very close friend of mine since we met in high school. Her birthday falls on the 28th of December, which means that all the goyem are usually still too busy celebrating Jesus’s birthday to remember to celebrate hers. But not me. I got my delightful mother to help me throw a totally glamorous (yet simple and easy) dinner party….

Dec / 25 / 2010Oct / 12 / 2013

Merry Holidays!

Dear Hommemakers, You know what I’m giving you for Christmas? That’s right. Me. You’ve been pining all year, wondering how you’re going to fix up your new apartment or land that hottie that just started working in the company’s mailroom. Don’t worry, I’m here. The Hommemaker. I’ll make everything better and teach you how to do the stuff you were previously too dumb to do. Well, probably not. Really I’ll just talk a lot and make you feel like your life is slightly less empty than you thought it was before. That’s what I’m here for. Merry Christmas! Love, The…