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Five Haute Things for the Homme: Accent Lamps

Dear Diary, In about a month, I’ll be moving into a (yet to be found) apartment and the one thing I’m most concerned with is light. I like my apartment to be super bright at all times. Having too many lights on makes me feel cozy and protected. And like I’m slowly killing the earth (sorrlz). For the sake of the environment, I use compact fluorescents whenever possible (Ikea has great ones, by the way. They have a warm tone unlike most of the depressing, pore-accentuating bluetone ones on the market). I like lamps that have something to say. Something…

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Marthatimez: Beer Chicken!

Dear Foodlez (like a Foodie, but a Food-Poodle instead because I don’t like the word “Foodie”), Did you know you can stick a can of beer inside a chicken and then bake it? I thought it was common knowledge but I found out recently that some people hadn’t heard of it so I thought I’d bring it to your attention. Apparently roasting a chicken with a beer inserted in it makes for a tender, tangy meal. I’ve never actually done this before, but my handsome friend Matthew Lanphier did the other night and I must say it was totally delicious….

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Typoglamour: The Yosemite School

Dear The Yosemite School, I went to you for 9 years, but I never noticed how totally glamourous your signage is. I believe this sign was installed in the 1950s when the school turned from a log cabin into a bigger, more modern building. I had many funtimes at The Yosemite School. Probably because of the sophisticated typeface on the school’s sign. Love, Orlando Dumond Soria, 8th Grade Diploma – 1996

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Whut Glamour: Neo80z Crop Shirts

Dear Gay Calvin Klein, The current 90 degree weather in Los Angeles has me thinking about spring fashion so I decided to go online and check out what have you in store for the next few months. The most exciting and ridiculous part of your collection is the 80s inspired cropped off shirts. Since my childhood, I have had a secret obsession with crop tops. When I was little, they were all the rage. The fact that they’ve just been revived is the most exciting thing that has ever happened in my whole entire life. They’re not quite as casual/sporty…

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Too Cool For Azul

Dear Frida Kahlo, This week Emily and I were discussing blue and I naturally thought of your amazing homestead, La Casa Azul. La Casa Azul is the house you were raised in that is now a museum dedicated to your life and your hilarious and lighthearted paintings. Thinking about your blue casa made me start thinking about other blue casas, so then I went on the interwebs and LOOK what I found!: La Casa Azul (Frida Kahlo Museum): Other gorgeous blue houses: I like the bright color of this one: I’m pretty sure the makeup artist from Blue Man Group…

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Gladvertising: Levi’s

Dear Levi’s, I have been raving about you to everyone on set because it has recently come to my attention that your combination of good product and amazing lifestyle branding have completely won me over. While I was living in New York last year, I went to the movies and your “Go Forth” advertisement featuring a Walt Whitman poem was played before the previews began. That ad (below) is probably the most beautiful ad I’ve ever watched. It’s sexy, raw, and showcases perfectly the glamour and adventure of the West. It made me miss California. The images of crazy kids…

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Whut Glamour: Colour Stripes!

Dear Installation Artist Jim Lambie, I have always loved your graphic stripe installations and have had them on my mind recently. On Secrets, we’re doing a few family rooms and are looking for exciting ways to incorporate colour, so naturally I thought of your wonderful striped floors. I highly doubt we would ever get to do something like this in one of our makeover houses (it might be a little too crazeballz for most peoples’ taste) but someday when I buy my own house (read: in like 20 years when the market has completely collapsed and I’ve saved up enough…

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Hair Do?

Dear The Boy in This Picture, I think you hair is awesome, but I highly doubt I could get away with it. Oh well. Love, Orlando PS: I found this image on my favorite website in the whole world, Hedi Slimane Diary. I will be posting more from Hedi in the future.

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Hot Couture: Belmain

Dear Balmain, I love your glamorous new fall collection for hommes. Too bad I’ll never be wealthy enough to afford it and it’s highly unlikely that it will ever show up at Ross where I, like, actually shop. Love, Orlando PS: View a slideshow of your delightful collection here.

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Fake Joan Didion Quote of the Week!

Dear Joan Didion, You said this: “In Beverly Hills, it’s who you know, and I know everyone.” – Joan Didion Just kidding, no you didn’t. Love, Orlando

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Five Haute Things for the Homme: White Bookcases!

Dear Diary, For this week’s episode of Secrets From A Stylist, Emily had me research some modern, minimalist pieces for our client. This got me thinking about white bookcases and shelving systems, which I have always liked. In my living space, I tend to use a lot of white because it keeps everything bright and airy and prevents seasonal affective disorder. A lot of Angelenos get seasonal affective disorder because we are so ridiculously spoiled by the glorious light of summer (10 months out of the year) and we cannot handle it when it isn’t bright and sunny for 15…

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Whut Glamour: Business Cards!

Dear Misako Rothery, Thank you so much for the luxurious business cards you designed and printed for me at your wonderful New York design studio, To You, From Me. I totally love my delightfully thick business cards and the classic design you gave them (which was exactly what I wanted). I’ll let the cards speak for themselves, but I’m totally obsessed with them. Love, Orlando They even came in cute packaging: Front: Back:

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Homme Video: JJ ‘Let Go’

Dear JJ, I know they’re not brand new or anything, but I love this video and this wonderful song. You’re delightful. Love, Orlando [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eA-H7z8Hv8]

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Homme Sweet Homme

Dear Diary, This is the most attractive man I have ever seen in my whole entire life. The face, the hair, the moustache. The bright tanktop. The rainbow surfboard. True love. Love, Self PS: I found him on the website of one of my favorite clothing companies, Warriors of Radness.

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Homme Movies!

Dear Reader, You know, people often ask me, “How do you stay so current on the latest pictures at the cinema!?!” Well, I’ll tell you. I don’t actually watch them. A true Hommemaker doesn’t have time for anything aside from making perfect meals, wearing perfect clothes, and excelling at his perfect job. Thus, I watch Youtube trailers for films and pretend I saw them at the theatre. This gives me ample topics to discuss at dinner parties, art openings, and fundraisers for the most influential of America’s politicians. Because watching these previews and faking knowledge of film has proven useful…

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Fake Joan Didion Quote of the Week!

Dear Reader, Everyone knows that being a good Hommemaker means being a Joan Didion fan. I spent many a day crying my eyes out whilst reading Where I Was From and The Year of Magical Thinking (“Tragical Thinking” is more like it!). Anyone who I am facebook friends with knows that one of my favorite pastimes is making up fake Joan Didion quotes, mainly because she seems so proper and intellectual (like me!) and imagining her saying anything crazy or stupid is absolutely hilarious. Thus, my weekly column of fake Joan quotes. Here’s this week’s quote: “I can’t believe I…

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Five Haute Things For The Homme: Barware

Dear Andy Cohen, If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” it’s that the ultimate expression of one’s hosting abilities is throwing cocktail parties. I have no idea how all those broads are so skinny, because those ladies could drink any sailor under the table and even when they aren’t at cocktail parties (which is rare), they are drinking alone on some beautiful/tacky veranda overlooking the gorgeous California coastline. Since my career goals include being a Real Househusband of Venice Beach, I’ve been researching barware to use at my uberglamorous cocktail fetes. Here is what…

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What Do YOU Do?

Dear Diary, As purpose of this blog is to inform people about hommemaking, I decided it was important for me to explore one of the less obvious aspects of keeping a home which is one’s professional life. After all, one literally cannot keep a home unless they have a job to pay for it, unless they have bags and bags and bags of gold coins (like Sofia Coppola, for example). For the rest of us who have to toil and sweat and, like, actually work for a living, jobs can be a meaningful and important addition to our wonderful homelives….

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How To Throw A Dinner Party: A How-To for the Half-BrainDead!

Dear Diary, While I was spending the holidays in Yosemite National Park, the home of the tallest waterfall in North America, I had the honour of hosting a totally glamorous dinner party for my BFF Caitlin. Caitlin has been a very, very close friend of mine since we met in high school. Her birthday falls on the 28th of December, which means that all the goyem are usually still too busy celebrating Jesus’s birthday to remember to celebrate hers. But not me. I got my delightful mother to help me throw a totally glamorous (yet simple and easy) dinner party….

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Merry Holidays!

Dear Hommemakers, You know what I’m giving you for Christmas? That’s right. Me. You’ve been pining all year, wondering how you’re going to fix up your new apartment or land that hottie that just started working in the company’s mailroom. Don’t worry, I’m here. The Hommemaker. I’ll make everything better and teach you how to do the stuff you were previously too dumb to do. Well, probably not. Really I’ll just talk a lot and make you feel like your life is slightly less empty than you thought it was before. That’s what I’m here for. Merry Christmas! Love, The…

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